Jonathan Bekele
1/3/11
As Mary walked onto the bus she slipped on a banana peel and fell down. The man next to her helped her up, and then he noticed that she had a twisted ankle. It had been to late to go to the doctors to the man insisted that he walk her home. The man walked her home, as Mary went to open the door a hugs smile came across the man’s face but Mary did not see him smile. Once they had gotten home the man took care of the ankle. After that Mary went upstairs to get her son. As she went upstairs the man took out a gun loaded it, and added the silencer. Mary came down and said "hey meet my son George." Mary went to get tea for both of them and then George collasped, but the man hides George and tell her he is in the bathroom. Mary then complains that the ankle hurts and then the man picks up the gun points at her and says the pain will go away.
Jonathan:
ReplyDeleteI can see you're working on something interesting here, and I like that you're trying out this new genre. But your writing so far is hard to follow. For starters, why all in one paragraph? This makes it hard to read and harder to follow. Take your time and fully lay out your tale. Because you've rushed through it, at the end I'm not sure what's up. Why does this man have a gun? why is he preparing to use it on Mary? Why would someone have strange pills like these? Why did G collapse? Why would the man declare his love for Mary after having only just met her?
I'm confused!
Yeah I agree with Mr. Fischer I am also a bit confused. What is happening exactly?
ReplyDelete