Wednesday, January 12, 2011

story extended for mid year fixed version.


When I arrived at my home today, I saw that my front window was smashed. Stupid kids playing baseball, they don't know how to hit or throw. I walked over to the window and saw that a brick smashed my window. I was scared out of my mind. I open my door quietly and walk into my house. All of my pictures had been smashed, my sons pictures, my wedding picture, and a picture of my mom. I walked into the kitchen and saw some of my plates were smashed. My glass cups were smashed to. Worst of all the intruder had drank two of my beers. He went to far relaxing in my house, why couldn’t he just have stole stuff and left. As I am about to call my wife, I hear some one walk down the stairs. I hid behind a sofa. The man as he walks down breaths heavily, and I can hear that has a metal tool in his hand. Then the man sends a chill down my spine when he says "Come out. Don't come out. I will find you and hang you off your porch, so your family sees you."
           Then I hear him lock the front door. I was about to pee in my pants. The man then says "I will look in the kitchen first."
           I still do not know what the man looks like if I wanted to turn him in. If I open the door he will hear it. I have to get a picture of him then run. My camera was sitting on the table. I go to turn it on but the battery is dead. I have to go upstairs to get new batteries. I go up the stairs checking to make sure he doesn’t see me, but I trip on the stairs not paying attention to where I was walking and the man hears me. He knows I’m upstairs. I go and hide under my bed. He walks by my room not seeing me, and into my eldest son's room. Then I decide to jump out the window. I make the landing and then run. I ran and ran until I got to the police station. I was to scared to call them. 
The police come back to my house and see that the thief has left. They do their usual finger print, blood stuff. Then they say to me “We will look at the data and try to capture him. Tell us if anything comes up.”
For some reason I felt like the police would never catch him. My wife will never believe me if I tell her. I walked to the place I always go to when I want to clam down McDonalds. As I sit there eating my fries I see a weird looking man with a mask across the street. He points at me and tells me to go to him. I've seen enough horror movies to know that any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly. I shake my head at him saying no, and then he holds up a brick. I then realized that was the man who robbed my house even though I never saw his face. I then run out of McDonalds all the way to my house. When I walk into my house I see a note with two batteries on it. The note reads “Be afraid be very afraid.” 
Then I turn around and see the man behind me. He then removes his mask and this is what I see. Then everything goes black.

2 comments:

  1. I'm having trouble following your story. First off, there are a ton of grammar and proofreading errors, which is really distracting. Then I'm not sure who the guy is who is hiding in the house. A random intruder?

    You've done a good job of capturing the narrator's panic, but how about helping me understand the scene a bit. How about some background? some explanation of what's going on?

    It also seems like it won't take 150 seconds. See if you can develop this further for Tuesday.

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